Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Why I've Been So Quiet

Many of you are friends of mine on facebook. About 2-3 weeks ago, I posted an update that read:

Got some news this morning that has rocked my world. I'm very thankful for supportive friends and family. Prayers for wisdom and peace would be appreciated...

What resulted from there was an outpouring of love and support from most of my friends and family. While this was a fairly cryptic and non-specific message, I felt as if I could say nothing at that moment because I didn't know what was going on.
Basically, what I knew then and what I know now is this, my cousin informed me that my biological father reappeared.
This seems to be a fairly non-event to most, but this was the man who decided that he wanted nothing to do with my mom and I and, literally, walked away from us one afternoon when I was just a toddler.
I, like most kids, who do not know a family member, was curious and my mom was always very honest with me. She was always very careful to give me age appropriate information and never had anything negative to say about him, but I connected the dots and always had some negative feelings associated with him.
Eventually, I just chose to believe that he fell off the face of the earth, rather than believe that he wanted nothing to do with my mom and me.
My mom eventually was remarried to a man who I consider my read dad, the one who went to every dance recital, band concert, football game, graduation, walked me down the aisle and was present during both of our children's births.
So, this is why I've been quiet. I've not really had anything to say about all this. I, however, can see how many people in my family could be hurt by all of this. My dad, being the amazing man he is, was concerned about me. That's why he's my dad, my real dad.
The most difficult part of this is not if he wants to know me, but how do I explain this to Caleb and Piper? They don't know any different than my dad. They are too young and deserve to be innocent to this type of dysfunction.
I still don't know what is going to happen with this, but I choose to not hide anymore.
So, that's where I've been.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Life Change

I feel like the past couple of years have really been life changing for me.
Many people mention that certain things are "life changing" when they really mean that they are moment changing for them. Something that they may remember, but it certainly won't affect the way that they live their lives.
For me, my husband, my children, cancer, the loss of family members have been life changing events in my life.
These past few years have caused me to reevaluate the people in my life and determine that there are just some that don't belong for a variety of reasons.
It seems that I've been in the presence of some folks who just thrive on drama and making everything about themselves.
No more.
These people will no longer be in my life. I am slowly but surely disengaging with these folks and making my family and true, real, loving friends, the ones who care about me and my family, a larger part of my life.
Someone who I thought was my friend unfriended me on facebook today.
This seems fairly insignificant, but this was someone I trusted with my daughter. Someone whom I thought was my friend. Someone who falls into the category that I described above.
No more.
Does it hurt and make me angry that this was how she chose to do this, yes. Passive aggressive and I do not mix. I come from a family where you speak what you feel, get it out and move on.
I don't make New Year's resolutions, because I feel as if anything you commit to doing needs to be done whole heartedly, which most NY resolutions are not.
No longer will those self involved, drama loving, "world revolves around them" people be a part of my life.
I will now surround myself with those people who love me and my family, support our decisions for our lives, speak truth in our lives and allow us to do the same.
This is my life change for 2012.